Thursday, March 19, 2015

Not Getting Involved: Volume 6

Volume 6: Pets

Welcome back once again to the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog! Today we will discuss how to avoid getting entangled in domestic pet matters.

Lesson 1: Stay Calm.

Often a dog in heat will become aggressive or even run away or injure themselves or someone else. It is key to stay calm in these situations and do not be tempted to chase, subdue, or capture the dog. If it runs off, it will most likely either come back, get adopted by someone who is foolish enough to get involved, or get caught by animal control and euthanized, or get run over by a car and crawl under something and die. So given the possibilities, the odds are that the problem will solve itself. Don't be a hero. It's just not worth it.

If you have children that want you to get involved then a common strategy is to go out to eat or something of that nature and simply tell them you got involved, and that the problem will likely solve itself.

Lesson 2: Let Nature Take It's Course

Often it is expected that one provide food, shelter and other amenities to one's pets. The truth is that statistically over 60% of all pet animals are non-human... and a surprising percentage of those are rocks. Most of these are perfectly content to take care of themselves in the wild. So the odds are that if you let nature take it's course and let your dog run loose for example, it will be no more likely to die than the average wild dog. If it does, then good riddance. Don't be a hero. After all, do you really want a pet that's so helpless it requires your involvement just to survive? I thought not.

Lesson 3: Salt Tablets

Often pets will become sick and the most common misconception is that this means they should be taken to a professional veterinary(animal) doctor. Don't be a hero, people. Anyone who's gone to public school Gym classes knows that this kind of intervention get's way more involved than is necessary. A few salt tablets should do the trick. If someone forces you to go to a veterinarian be sure to take a polished shield and not to look him in the eyes or you may turn to stone.

Lesson 4: Dealing with Overpopulation

Many pets, such as rabbits and certain types of fish such as guppies are quite prolific. In a matter of weeks or months you could find yourself with wading in rabbits. A common approach is to get involved by selling some, or even eating them in some cases. For those of us that don't want to be a hero we can just wait for the population to exhaust the food supply. Then they will die off and vultures, bugs etc. will clean up the remains for you in their free time, for free. Problem solved.

Until next time, don't be a hero!