Not Getting Involved: Volume 8
(How to Avoid Getting Involved in a Boy Band)
This one's for all you guys and gals that have had people trying to get you to join their boy band or other horrible idea. Here at the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog we've been helping people of all walks of life avoid getting involved, and after a comment from a reader we've decided to give back to the community by helping performers of stage and screen avoid getting involved. Specifically, we'd like to help you avoid getting into a boy band as this can be a
terminal condition you may never recover from. Before we go into actually avoiding it though, I'd like to make the case for doing so as some of you may still think it's a good idea.
Some of you may look back fondly on the careers of guys like Justin Timberlake and think "Gee, I wish somebody would put me in a boy band." but we're here to tell you that you definitely don't want to get involved. If someone asks you to be in their boy band, don't be a hero. Timberlake has spent most of his life trying to live it down and he's still trying. He's not the only one. Don't believe me? Here's a shot of Donnie Wahlberg over 25yrs ago when he was newly one of the "New Kids On the Block"
Photo by Alan Light
That's Donnie on the left in 1990. Notice him trying to hide his face as that other guy is elated to know he's already fading into obscurity as he draws attention to Donnie. He's totally stoked, knowing Donnie has been forever marked with the taint of being in a boy band.
Here's a more recent photo of Donnie:
Photo by Helen Kruger
This was taken in 20yrs later in 2011 after a passer by spotted Donnie performing with old "New Kids on The Block" band members for change on a street corner in Montreal and said
"Yo, Donnie! I'm with you bro! I think women have cooties too!"*
Between appearances on a reality TV show about his family's burger joint, Donnie is still enjoying the
high low life touring with "NKOTB". It's an affliction he's been dealing with for decades now. Just for Donnie, I'm going to devote a special section at the end of this article to giving suggestions on what to do if you're Donnie Wahlberg, and you want out.
So how do you avoid being in a boy band?
Well number one, don't be a hero. First some basics...
1) Take a lesson from Donnie. Don't ever let a music producer see you dancing, rapping, and being a showman. Especially if you're a 15yr old white boy from Boston. Do fart jokes instead or something.
2) Don't help aforementioned music producer recruit other victims. He thought he was helping. Don't be a hero like Donnie. Donnie coaxed former classmates and friends into the band. This record producer could have been a child predator and killed all of them, but unfortunately he just consumed their souls and made them famous.
3) When a music producer comes up to you spit in his face. If he happens to like that, then tell him you're really a woman. That should do the trick.
4) Quit when you're not ahead. After their first album flopped, "NKOTB" made a second one. This cemented Donnie's fate.
Now for some more advanced methods...
5) Seek
honest employment.
6) When a record producer tells you that he wants to put you in a boy band, tell him that the last time somebody tried to put you in a boy band you were nearly stabbed at your first gig when they mistook you for Donnie Wahlberg. If that doesn't dissuade him, tell him it was Mark Wahlberg and that he said he'd come for your manager too. Mark Wahlberg is a master of the "Don't be a hero" philosophy.
7) If someone asks you to be in their boy band, give him a fake name and tell them you're already in one called "Stained Boxer Shorts" and that you'll only be in his boy band
if he gives you a million bucks in cashier's checks. If he does, leave town and start a new life in a country far, far away.
8) Tell them that you have "Jenner's Disease" and will only be in an all she-male band.
9) Don't be a hero. If anyone asks you to be in their boy band, tell them that you're still trying to find a way to deal with the last guy that asked you that and you really need the freezer space. Then ask them if they'd be willing to help you move. If they say yes, give them the keys and directions to your mother in law's house and tell them to go ahead and box things up if nobody's there.
10) Tell them you ran into Donnie Wahlberg last week and he advised you not to. He said "Don't make make the same mistakes I did kid. Don't be a hero."
Now for that special bonus
What if it's too late, and I'm Donnie Wahlberg?
Well, there's only so much you can do. But first you should remember: Don't be a hero. If your band mates are counting on you it can be easy to forget, so...don't.
Option A) Whenever you go out or make public appearances, make sure to dress up incognito like so:
Option B) Moving to Canada won't help as even Canadians know what you are. So try to run for Congress or Senate instead. People are used to voting for shameless self-promoting freaks all the time, so you should fit in quite well. Hanging out with those guys should also teach you a valuable lesson: Don't be a hero.
Option C) Set your face on fire. The scars from some nice burns should negate the need to wear a face-cap a la option A.Note: This may not work if someone who reads the "be-a-hero-blog" is nearby and decides to be a hero.
Option D) Make a public apology on national television and beg everyone's forgiveness. It's worth a shot.
Option E) Get enough plastic surgery that people mistake you for Mark Wahlberg. He was fortunate enough to get out and do some 'acting' before being so deeply marked as Donnie has.
Option F) Buy a cabin in the woods and shoot at anyone that comes near it. If anyone says their car broke down etc. just remember: don't be a hero. Stay the course.
Option G) Accept Jesus as your lord and personal savior. No guarantees, but maybe he'll manage to pull you out of this and get you your soul back. He may be following the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog as well though, so don't get your hopes up expecting him to be a hero on this one.
Option H) Audition as the next Barney. Yeah that one- the purple Dinosaur. Maybe that'll help you remember to not get involved.
If all that fails, then I guess you're stuck. Maybe next time you'll remember: Don't be a hero.
As always thanks for reading, and be sure to let me know in the comments if you have any suggestions etc.
*This blog is satire. The quote above, as well as the rest of the content is not to be taken literally or seriously. It is meant for amusement purposes only. I am not responsible for the consequences of readers' actions, including but not limited to Donnie Wahlberg running for Congress, setting his face on fire etc.
