Not Getting Involved: Volume 9

Volume 9: Avoiding involvement in your own digital security.

 Some of you may have heard about the latest news about Yahoo! telling a billion people that their accounts were hacked 3yrs ago and are already wondering how to avoid getting involved. If you're affected and you don't want to get involved in securing your account, definitely don't change your password. But what about everything else online? Here's a few ways to avoid securing your online activity from malicious hackers like those at the NSA.

• 1. Don't use anti-tracking add-ons for your browser such as AdBlock,  Decentraleyes, Blur, Disconnect, Random Agent Spoofer, etc. 
• 2. Don't ever go to www.prism-break.org to see open source, security minded alternatives to common software you use every day. 
• 3. Don't use a free VPN to anonymize and encrypt your internet traffic, and get past (censorship and access-restricting) firewalls. Especially if they have, a browser add-on, apps for your phone, Windows, and Linux, and a paid service which  is an outstandingly good deal.
• 4. Don't go to www.offnow.org to find out how you can help to legally shut off the water supply that cools the data centers used to spy on you for the federal government.
• 5. Don't ditch Windows for Linux, or any other superior and more secure operating system and only run Windows in a sandboxed virtual machine to play games. 
• 6. Don't change passwords frequently, maintain a good firewall, and encrypt everything.
• 7. Don't abolish the NSA.
• 8. Don't forget to turn off your anti-spyware programs when you log on.
• 9. Don't use cheap paid services like StartMail, or Windscribe that don't have hidden costs like a free hotel room where the manager records you and the wife having sex and sells the tapes. If you were to get involved for $5/mo you would have encrypted email with StartMail, without Google selling your information or spying on you.
• 10. Don't run your own encrypted email server, use mesh networks, or use a phone and software made with security in mind.

Not Getting Involved: Volume 8

Not Getting Involved: Volume 8 
(How to Avoid Getting Involved in a Boy Band)


This one's for all you guys and gals that have had people trying to get you to join their boy band or other horrible idea. Here at the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog we've been helping people of all walks of life avoid getting involved, and after a comment from a reader we've decided to give back to the community by helping performers of stage and screen avoid getting involved. Specifically, we'd like to help you avoid getting into a boy band as this can be a terminal condition you may never recover from. Before we go into actually avoiding it though, I'd like to make the case for doing so as some of you may still think it's a good idea.

Some of you may look back fondly on the careers of guys like Justin Timberlake and think "Gee, I wish somebody would put me in a boy band." but we're here to tell you that you definitely don't want to get involved. If someone asks you to be in their boy band, don't be a hero. Timberlake has spent most of his life trying to live it down and he's still trying. He's not the only one. Don't believe me? Here's a shot of Donnie Wahlberg over 25yrs ago when he was newly one of the "New Kids On the Block"

Photo by Alan Light

That's Donnie on the left in 1990. Notice him trying to hide his face as that other guy is elated to know he's already fading into obscurity as he draws attention to Donnie. He's totally stoked, knowing Donnie has been forever marked with the taint of being in a boy band.


Here's a more recent photo of Donnie:

Photo by Helen Kruger

This was taken in 20yrs later in 2011 after a passer by spotted Donnie performing with old "New Kids on The Block" band members for change on a street corner in Montreal and said "Yo, Donnie! I'm with you bro! I think women have cooties too!"*

Between appearances on a reality TV show about his family's burger joint, Donnie is still enjoying the high low life touring with "NKOTB". It's an affliction he's been dealing with for decades now. Just for Donnie, I'm going to devote a special section at the end of this article to giving suggestions on what to do if you're Donnie Wahlberg, and you want out.


So how do you avoid being in a boy band?

Well number one, don't be a hero. First some basics...

1) Take a lesson from Donnie. Don't ever let a music producer see you dancing, rapping, and being a showman. Especially if you're a 15yr old white boy from Boston. Do fart jokes instead or something.

2) Don't help aforementioned music producer recruit other victims. He thought he was helping. Don't be a hero like Donnie. Donnie coaxed former classmates and friends into the band. This record producer could have been a child predator and killed all of them, but unfortunately he just consumed their souls and made them famous.

3) When a music producer comes up to you spit in his face. If he happens to like that, then tell him you're really a woman. That should do the trick.

4) Quit when you're not ahead. After their first album flopped, "NKOTB" made a second one. This cemented Donnie's fate.

Now for some more advanced methods...

5) Seek honest employment.

6) When a record producer tells you that he wants to put you in a boy band, tell him that the last time somebody tried to put you in a boy band you were  nearly stabbed at your first gig when they mistook you for Donnie Wahlberg. If that doesn't dissuade him, tell him it was Mark Wahlberg and that he said he'd come for your manager too. Mark Wahlberg is a master of the "Don't be a hero" philosophy.

7) If someone asks you to be in their boy band, give him a fake name and tell them you're already in one called "Stained Boxer Shorts" and that you'll only be in his boy band if he gives you a million bucks in cashier's checks. If he does, leave town and start a new life in a country far, far away.

8) Tell them that you have "Jenner's Disease" and will only be in an all she-male band.

9) Don't be a hero. If anyone asks you to be in their boy band, tell them that you're still trying to find a way to deal with the last guy that asked you that and you really need the freezer space. Then ask them if they'd be willing to help you move. If they say yes, give them the keys and directions to your mother in law's house and tell them to go ahead and box things up if nobody's there.

10) Tell them you ran into Donnie Wahlberg last week and he advised you not to. He said "Don't make make the same mistakes I did kid. Don't be a hero."

Now for that special bonus

What if it's too late, and I'm Donnie Wahlberg?

Well, there's only so much you can do. But first you should remember: Don't be a hero. If your band mates are counting on you it can be easy to forget, so...don't.

Option A) Whenever you go out or make public appearances, make sure to dress up incognito like so:

Option B) Moving to Canada won't help as even Canadians know what you are. So try to run for Congress or Senate instead. People are used to voting for shameless self-promoting freaks all the time, so you should fit in quite well. Hanging out with those guys should also teach you a valuable lesson: Don't be a hero.

Option C) Set your face on fire. The scars from some nice burns should negate the need to wear a face-cap a la option A.Note: This may not work if someone who reads the "be-a-hero-blog" is nearby and decides to be a hero.

Option D) Make a public apology on national television and beg everyone's forgiveness. It's worth a shot.

Option E) Get enough plastic surgery that people mistake you for Mark Wahlberg. He was fortunate enough to get out and do some 'acting' before being so deeply marked as Donnie has.

Option F) Buy a cabin in the woods and shoot at anyone that comes near it. If anyone says their car broke down etc. just remember: don't be a hero. Stay the course.

Option G) Accept Jesus as your lord and personal savior. No guarantees, but maybe he'll manage to pull you out of this and get you your soul back. He may be following the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog as well though, so don't get your hopes up expecting him to be a hero on this one.

Option H) Audition as the next Barney. Yeah that one- the purple Dinosaur. Maybe that'll help you remember to not get involved.

If all that fails, then I guess you're stuck. Maybe next time you'll remember: Don't be a hero.

As always thanks for reading, and be sure to let me know in the comments if you have any suggestions etc.

*This blog is satire. The quote above, as well as the rest of the content is not to be taken literally or seriously. It is meant for amusement purposes only. I am not responsible for the consequences of readers' actions, including but not limited to Donnie Wahlberg running for Congress, setting his face on fire etc.

Not Getting Involved: Volume 7

Volume 7:
Persistent People With Problems

Welcome back to the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog! Today we're going to teach you how to not be a hero when it comes to persistent people bugging you for assistance! That's right. If you've got a friend that just won't stop asking you to do them a favor, this post is for you.

Ok, so let's say you're sipping some lemonade on a hot summer day just being glad you're not some schmuck that has to work today. Then let's say "Bob" shows up and says "Hey pal, seeing as it's your day off and you have a truck, why don't you help me move?". Being an avid reader of the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog you likely give him a reason like "It's my work truck, Bob. If it gets a scratch on it my boss will fire me.". Unfortunately Bob's been reading the get-someone-to-be-a-hero blog and comes back with something like "No worries, I got a old carpet we can lay over it." He's always got a comeback.

Chances are something like this has happened to you at some point. If they're really persistent, chances are that after about 45-90 minutes of this, most people will give in and help Bob move. If it's happened to someone you know, then you know just how deadly this can be.

The good news is... That does not have to be you!

So let's examine some ways to avoid a persistent favor craver.

As always, remember Rule #1: Don't be a hero. You might be surprised how often remembering this can help you stay the course. Forget it for a second and you're already speeding toward your doom.

Ordinary tricks bounce right off these people so we'll need something a bit beefier.
Here's a few suggestions:

 "On the spot" responses...

#1. If possible, tell him that the last time you helped someone in this way, you had a psychotic episode, and you woke up next to an empty bathtub and an bunch of empty nitric acid containers with no memory of what happened.

#2. Ask them this question: "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and personal savior?"

#3. Headbutt them.(This works especially well for Mother-in-laws and occasionally co-workers.)

#4. Ignore them while you chew bubble gum. Every time they try to persuade you, remember Rule #1, relax, take a deep breath, and blow a big bubble. Repeat as necessary.

Long Term Favor Cravers:

If this person persists for an extended period of time(weeks, months, years etc.) desperate measures may need to be taken. Here's a few suggestions..

#5. Get some other schmuck to help you move... to Canada.

I know what you're thinking.- "Ya' dumb hoser! What if I already live in Canada, eh?"
Not to worry, I thought of you as well, hence, #6...

#6. Move to Australia.

These next few are part of the advanced course, and should only be attempted by certified professionals...

#7. Fake your own death. Among the supplies you'll need are A) 1 Cadaver of approximate dimensions and sex as yourself, B) 1 New identity, and C) Lots of cashiers checks and D) A fiery "accident" waiting to happen.

#8. Fake someone else's death. Maybe if Bob thinks his mom died he'll just pay some movers. Hey, it's worth a shot, right?

#9. Fake someone's resurrection. After all, if Bob thinks his mom came back from the dead, moving is going to be the last thing on his mind.

This next one only works if you have children.

#10. Tell them you're going to get some cigarettes or a lottery ticket at the local convenience store and ask them if they'll watch your kids for a few minutes while you do. If they fall for it, implement suggestion #5, or #6.

#11. If you're a law officer (and sometimes not) you can try to frame "Bob" for a felony charge such as homicide, drug smuggling, or tearing that "do not remove" tag off of your mattress. By the time he gets out he'll have forgotten all about that favor he wanted from you.

If all else fails, you take one last, desperate, very bold and risky action:

#12. Get involved, but not in the way he wants you too. Don't be a hero, be a villain. And perhaps most importantly, have fun with it. Remember, you're not here to help, you're here to make them fear your "help".

In "Bob's" case, when you kick his stuff down the stairs and toss it in the truck, remember to do it with gusto, a smile, and/or while whistling a tune or something. When it looks like he's about to ask you to stop, make sure you have something fragile to drop. Then say you're hungry anyway and that he should buy you lunch. That should make them not ask you for a favor any time soon.

Thanks again for reading the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog! As always, if you're having trouble avoiding getting involved, be sure to comment below about it and maybe we'll write an article on dealing with situations like yours.

Until next time, Don't be a hero!