Not Getting Involved: Volume 6

Volume 6: Pets

Welcome back once again to the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog! Today we will discuss how to avoid getting entangled in domestic pet matters.

Lesson 1: Stay Calm.

Often a dog in heat will become aggressive or even run away or injure themselves or someone else. It is key to stay calm in these situations and do not be tempted to chase, subdue, or capture the dog. If it runs off, it will most likely either come back, get adopted by someone who is foolish enough to get involved, or get caught by animal control and euthanized, or get run over by a car and crawl under something and die. So given the possibilities, the odds are that the problem will solve itself. Don't be a hero. It's just not worth it.

If you have children that want you to get involved then a common strategy is to go out to eat or something of that nature and simply tell them you got involved, and that the problem will likely solve itself.

Lesson 2: Let Nature Take It's Course

Often it is expected that one provide food, shelter and other amenities to one's pets. The truth is that statistically over 60% of all pet animals are non-human... and a surprising percentage of those are rocks. Most of these are perfectly content to take care of themselves in the wild. So the odds are that if you let nature take it's course and let your dog run loose for example, it will be no more likely to die than the average wild dog. If it does, then good riddance. Don't be a hero. After all, do you really want a pet that's so helpless it requires your involvement just to survive? I thought not.

Lesson 3: Salt Tablets

Often pets will become sick and the most common misconception is that this means they should be taken to a professional veterinary(animal) doctor. Don't be a hero, people. Anyone who's gone to public school Gym classes knows that this kind of intervention get's way more involved than is necessary. A few salt tablets should do the trick. If someone forces you to go to a veterinarian be sure to take a polished shield and not to look him in the eyes or you may turn to stone.

Lesson 4: Dealing with Overpopulation

Many pets, such as rabbits and certain types of fish such as guppies are quite prolific. In a matter of weeks or months you could find yourself with wading in rabbits. A common approach is to get involved by selling some, or even eating them in some cases. For those of us that don't want to be a hero we can just wait for the population to exhaust the food supply. Then they will die off and vultures, bugs etc. will clean up the remains for you in their free time, for free. Problem solved.

Until next time, don't be a hero!

Not Getting Involved: Volume 5

The subject this time: Self-Involvement

Today on the www.dont-be-a-hero.com blog we get personal. Sometimes people feel the need to get involved in their own lives to do things like "taking good care of themselves". Today we'll inspect ways to avoid being involved in your own personal welfare.

Lesson 1: Outsourcing...

If you find yourself needing food for example, don't get involved; get someone else to. Lucky for you, not everyone is as adept at not getting involved. With little more than a few button presses and a a few words you can often have foods delivered to you, most commonly from Chinese and Pizza restaurants. Sure you could go get it yourself, but you don't want to be a hero.

Lesson 2: Indifference...

If you find yourself acquiring diabetes and your doctor tells you there are multiple dietary changes you can make and supplements etc. you can take to help your body heal itself, you find that to be a bit too involved. Instead, carry on with your normal routine, and accept the now inevitable insulin coma and or death. Better that than getting involved in one's own personal health.

Lesson 3: Self Control...

If you find that most of your food has been genetically compromised, as the majority of all food (In the USA) without the "Non-GMO" certification is, you might be tempted to get involved in auditing and changing your dietary habits. You might want to even get your kids real peanut butter. Your friends might suggest you buy things like filling, nutritious, NON-GMO, soy-free, delicious protein bars in bulk so you can actually afford them. But this can get quite involved, requiring that you read labels and throw stuff out and go buy Non-GMO certified real food etc.  Don't be a hero. Just swallow whatever has a flashier package. Never mind people or professors telling you about things like "lateral gene transfer".

Lesson 4: Relax...

Sometimes you may find yourself in the company of a healthier smarter individual that encourages you to exercise and take care of yourself. Clearly they want to be a hero. Don't be a hero. Relax and tell them to chill out and eat some genetically compromised corn and soy products. Enjoy watching your gut get fatter as your muscles atrophy to the point you need a scooter to get around.

Lesson 5: Dependence...

Every once in a while you may feel the desire to become independent and grow your own food, produce your own electricity, etc. Again people, please don't be a hero. If you try that you'll have to you know, do stuff. Let farmers and electricians get involved with that stuff.

Lesson 6: Ignore Stuff

When's the last time you heard about a CDC whistle-blower confessing to fraud; doctoring data to cover up the fact the MMR vaccine does in fact increase the incidence of Autism? Never? Ok well, if you ever hear it in the news, ignore that. Otherwise you might be tempted to get involved in holding the responsible parties accountable for giving millions of children a debilitating illness.

Until next time, don't be a hero folks!

Not Getting Involved: Volume 4

There comes a time in everyone's life when friends and family get involved, and what's worse is they try to get YOU involved. This is a horrible idea of course but we'll examine three basic guidelines to avoid it... in this edition of the www.dont-be-a-hero.com series on not getting involved.

#1 First things first. Don't be a hero. Don't volunteer to get involved and don't hesitate to refuse. This sounds obvious, but sometimes a friend or family member may ask you to get involved and you must immediately and sternly say "No." and none of that "Well let me think about it" or anything like that. That gives them time to say "Oh, thanks for getting involved!". Before you know it you're shoved in and out of a helicopter into the ocean only to swim to shore and hike through a Guatemalan jungle armed only with a leather strap(Your belt) and fighting ninjas with telekinetic powers riding killer gorillas with laser-eyes just to save you're nephew or something.

#2 This guideline can apply to many situations but a common situation is a family member or friend needs transportation, sometimes to a dentist, maybe to school etc.

The first thing to do is again refer to #1 then if the fact they are in need of transport is stated in this manner: "Johnny is going to need a ride home from school" you must reply with an affirmative message.
Such as:

Yes, he certainly is.
I believe you.
I concur.
You should probably do something about that.
Poor bastard.
What a shame.
Sucks to be him.
Hahahahahahahaha. Ahhh. Yep.
Apparently so.

...You get the idea. The best way to avoid getting involved is to end the conversation and walk away as quickly as possible after such a statement. If you remembered to bring tear gas, use it at that time. Mace or pepper spray may be used in a pinch.

#3. If on the other hand they shamelessly ask you to give "Johnny" a ride from school then you must tell them something like your brakes are bad and the emergency brake doesn't work and the shifter sticks. If they say that's awesome, or offer you their car or something like that then just spit in their face. That usually does the trick. About 10% of the time they will get turned on by it, and/or want to get into a knife fight. Sometimes more than 10% if it's family. So I always carry a really big pocket knife in each pocket because as we all know, it's worth it to avoid getting involved. If they're turned on just tell them they're not your type before the knife fight if possible.


Thanks for reading and until next time, try not to get involved.