Not Getting Involved: Volume 4

There comes a time in everyone's life when friends and family get involved, and what's worse is they try to get YOU involved. This is a horrible idea of course but we'll examine three basic guidelines to avoid it... in this edition of the www.dont-be-a-hero.com series on not getting involved.

#1 First things first. Don't be a hero. Don't volunteer to get involved and don't hesitate to refuse. This sounds obvious, but sometimes a friend or family member may ask you to get involved and you must immediately and sternly say "No." and none of that "Well let me think about it" or anything like that. That gives them time to say "Oh, thanks for getting involved!". Before you know it you're shoved in and out of a helicopter into the ocean only to swim to shore and hike through a Guatemalan jungle armed only with a leather strap(Your belt) and fighting ninjas with telekinetic powers riding killer gorillas with laser-eyes just to save you're nephew or something.

#2 This guideline can apply to many situations but a common situation is a family member or friend needs transportation, sometimes to a dentist, maybe to school etc.

The first thing to do is again refer to #1 then if the fact they are in need of transport is stated in this manner: "Johnny is going to need a ride home from school" you must reply with an affirmative message.
Such as:

Yes, he certainly is.
I believe you.
I concur.
You should probably do something about that.
Poor bastard.
What a shame.
Sucks to be him.
Hahahahahahahaha. Ahhh. Yep.
Apparently so.

...You get the idea. The best way to avoid getting involved is to end the conversation and walk away as quickly as possible after such a statement. If you remembered to bring tear gas, use it at that time. Mace or pepper spray may be used in a pinch.

#3. If on the other hand they shamelessly ask you to give "Johnny" a ride from school then you must tell them something like your brakes are bad and the emergency brake doesn't work and the shifter sticks. If they say that's awesome, or offer you their car or something like that then just spit in their face. That usually does the trick. About 10% of the time they will get turned on by it, and/or want to get into a knife fight. Sometimes more than 10% if it's family. So I always carry a really big pocket knife in each pocket because as we all know, it's worth it to avoid getting involved. If they're turned on just tell them they're not your type before the knife fight if possible.


Thanks for reading and until next time, try not to get involved.