Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Not Getting Involved: Volume 8

Not Getting Involved: Volume 8 
(How to Avoid Getting Involved in a Boy Band)


This one's for all you guys and gals that have had people trying to get you to join their boy band or other horrible idea. Here at the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog we've been helping people of all walks of life avoid getting involved, and after a comment from a reader we've decided to give back to the community by helping performers of stage and screen avoid getting involved. Specifically, we'd like to help you avoid getting into a boy band as this can be a terminal condition you may never recover from. Before we go into actually avoiding it though, I'd like to make the case for doing so as some of you may still think it's a good idea.

Some of you may look back fondly on the careers of guys like Justin Timberlake and think "Gee, I wish somebody would put me in a boy band." but we're here to tell you that you definitely don't want to get involved. If someone asks you to be in their boy band, don't be a hero. Timberlake has spent most of his life trying to live it down and he's still trying. He's not the only one. Don't believe me? Here's a shot of Donnie Wahlberg over 25yrs ago when he was newly one of the "New Kids On the Block"





Photo by Alan Light

That's Donnie on the left in 1990. Notice him trying to hide his face as that other guy is elated to know he's already fading into obscurity as he draws attention to Donnie. He's totally stoked, knowing Donnie has been forever marked with the taint of being in a boy band.


Here's a more recent photo of Donnie:

Photo by Helen Kruger

This was taken in 20yrs later in 2011 after a passer by spotted Donnie performing with old "New Kids on The Block" band members for change on a street corner in Montreal and said "Yo, Donnie! I'm with you bro! I think women have cooties too!"*

Between appearances on a reality TV show about his family's burger joint, Donnie is still enjoying the high low life touring with "NKOTB". It's an affliction he's been dealing with for decades now. Just for Donnie, I'm going to devote a special section at the end of this article to giving suggestions on what to do if you're Donnie Wahlberg, and you want out.


So how do you avoid being in a boy band?

Well number one, don't be a hero. First some basics...

1) Take a lesson from Donnie. Don't ever let a music producer see you dancing, rapping, and being a showman. Especially if you're a 15yr old white boy from Boston. Do fart jokes instead or something.

2) Don't help aforementioned music producer recruit other victims. He thought he was helping. Don't be a hero like Donnie. Donnie coaxed former classmates and friends into the band. This record producer could have been a child predator and killed all of them, but unfortunately he just consumed their souls and made them famous.

3) When a music producer comes up to you spit in his face. If he happens to like that, then tell him you're really a woman. That should do the trick.

4) Quit when you're not ahead. After their first album flopped, "NKOTB" made a second one. This cemented Donnie's fate.

Now for some more advanced methods...

5) Seek honest employment.

6) When a record producer tells you that he wants to put you in a boy band, tell him that the last time somebody tried to put you in a boy band you were  nearly stabbed at your first gig when they mistook you for Donnie Wahlberg. If that doesn't dissuade him, tell him it was Mark Wahlberg and that he said he'd come for your manager too. Mark Wahlberg is a master of the "Don't be a hero" philosophy.

7) If someone asks you to be in their boy band, give him a fake name and tell them you're already in one called "Stained Boxer Shorts" and that you'll only be in his boy band if he gives you a million bucks in cashier's checks. If he does, leave town and start a new life in a country far, far away.

8) Tell them that you have "Jenner's Disease" and will only be in an all she-male band.

9) Don't be a hero. If anyone asks you to be in their boy band, tell them that you're still trying to find a way to deal with the last guy that asked you that and you really need the freezer space. Then ask them if they'd be willing to help you move. If they say yes, give them the keys and directions to your mother in law's house and tell them to go ahead and box things up if nobody's there.

10) Tell them you ran into Donnie Wahlberg last week and he advised you not to. He said "Don't make make the same mistakes I did kid. Don't be a hero."

Now for that special bonus

What if it's too late, and I'm Donnie Wahlberg?

Well, there's only so much you can do. But first you should remember: Don't be a hero. If your band mates are counting on you it can be easy to forget, so...don't.

Option A) Whenever you go out or make public appearances, make sure to dress up incognito like so:


Option B) Moving to Canada won't help as even Canadians know what you are. So try to run for Congress or Senate instead. People are used to voting for shameless self-promoting freaks all the time, so you should fit in quite well. Hanging out with those guys should also teach you a valuable lesson: Don't be a hero.

Option C) Set your face on fire. The scars from some nice burns should negate the need to wear a face-cap a la option A.Note: This may not work if someone who reads the "be-a-hero-blog" is nearby and decides to be a hero.

Option D) Make a public apology on national television and beg everyone's forgiveness. It's worth a shot.

Option E) Get enough plastic surgery that people mistake you for Mark Wahlberg. He was fortunate enough to get out and do some 'acting' before being so deeply marked as Donnie has.

Option F) Buy a cabin in the woods and shoot at anyone that comes near it. If anyone says their car broke down etc. just remember: don't be a hero. Stay the course.

Option G) Accept Jesus as your lord and personal savior. No guarantees, but maybe he'll manage to pull you out of this and get you your soul back. He may be following the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog as well though, so don't get your hopes up expecting him to be a hero on this one.

Option H) Audition as the next Barney. Yeah that one- the purple Dinosaur. Maybe that'll help you remember to not get involved.

If all that fails, then I guess you're stuck. Maybe next time you'll remember: Don't be a hero.

As always thanks for reading, and be sure to let me know in the comments if you have any suggestions etc.

*This blog is satire. The quote above, as well as the rest of the content is not to be taken literally or seriously. It is meant for amusement purposes only. I am not responsible for the consequences of readers' actions, including but not limited to Donnie Wahlberg running for Congress, setting his face on fire etc.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Not Getting Involved: Volume 7

Volume 7:
Persistent People With Problems

Welcome back to the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog! Today we're going to teach you how to not be a hero when it comes to persistent people bugging you for assistance! That's right. If you've got a friend that just won't stop asking you to do them a favor, this post is for you.

Ok, so let's say you're sipping some lemonade on a hot summer day just being glad you're not some schmuck that has to work today. Then let's say "Bob" shows up and says "Hey pal, seeing as it's your day off and you have a truck, why don't you help me move?". Being an avid reader of the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog you likely give him a reason like "It's my work truck, Bob. If it gets a scratch on it my boss will fire me.". Unfortunately Bob's been reading the get-someone-to-be-a-hero blog and comes back with something like "No worries, I got a old carpet we can lay over it." He's always got a comeback.

Chances are something like this has happened to you at some point. If they're really persistent, chances are that after about 45-90 minutes of this, most people will give in and help Bob move. If it's happened to someone you know, then you know just how deadly this can be.

The good news is... That does not have to be you!

So let's examine some ways to avoid a persistent favor craver.

As always, remember Rule #1: Don't be a hero. You might be surprised how often remembering this can help you stay the course. Forget it for a second and you're already speeding toward your doom.

Ordinary tricks bounce right off these people so we'll need something a bit beefier.
Here's a few suggestions:

 "On the spot" responses...

#1. If possible, tell him that the last time you helped someone in this way, you had a psychotic episode, and you woke up next to an empty bathtub and an bunch of empty nitric acid containers with no memory of what happened.

#2. Ask them this question: "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and personal savior?"

#3. Headbutt them.(This works especially well for Mother-in-laws and occasionally co-workers.)

#4. Ignore them while you chew bubble gum. Every time they try to persuade you, remember Rule #1, relax, take a deep breath, and blow a big bubble. Repeat as necessary.

Long Term Favor Cravers:

If this person persists for an extended period of time(weeks, months, years etc.) desperate measures may need to be taken. Here's a few suggestions..

#5. Get some other schmuck to help you move... to Canada.

I know what you're thinking.- "Ya' dumb hoser! What if I already live in Canada, eh?"
Not to worry, I thought of you as well, hence, #6...

#6. Move to Australia.

These next few are part of the advanced course, and should only be attempted by certified professionals...

#7. Fake your own death. Among the supplies you'll need are A) 1 Cadaver of approximate dimensions and sex as yourself, B) 1 New identity, and C) Lots of cashiers checks and D) A fiery "accident" waiting to happen.

#8. Fake someone else's death. Maybe if Bob thinks his mom died he'll just pay some movers. Hey, it's worth a shot, right?

#9. Fake someone's resurrection. After all, if Bob thinks his mom came back from the dead, moving is going to be the last thing on his mind.

This next one only works if you have children.

#10. Tell them you're going to get some cigarettes or a lottery ticket at the local convenience store and ask them if they'll watch your kids for a few minutes while you do. If they fall for it, implement suggestion #5, or #6.

#11. If you're a law officer (and sometimes not) you can try to frame "Bob" for a felony charge such as homicide, drug smuggling, or tearing that "do not remove" tag off of your mattress. By the time he gets out he'll have forgotten all about that favor he wanted from you.

If all else fails, you take one last, desperate, very bold and risky action:

#12. Get involved, but not in the way he wants you too. Don't be a hero, be a villain. And perhaps most importantly, have fun with it. Remember, you're not here to help, you're here to make them fear your "help".

In "Bob's" case, when you kick his stuff down the stairs and toss it in the truck, remember to do it with gusto, a smile, and/or while whistling a tune or something. When it looks like he's about to ask you to stop, make sure you have something fragile to drop. Then say you're hungry anyway and that he should buy you lunch. That should make them not ask you for a favor any time soon.

Thanks again for reading the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog! As always, if you're having trouble avoiding getting involved, be sure to comment below about it and maybe we'll write an article on dealing with situations like yours.

Until next time, Don't be a hero!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Not Getting Involved: Volume 6

Volume 6: Pets

Welcome back once again to the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog! Today we will discuss how to avoid getting entangled in domestic pet matters.

Lesson 1: Stay Calm.

Often a dog in heat will become aggressive or even run away or injure themselves or someone else. It is key to stay calm in these situations and do not be tempted to chase, subdue, or capture the dog. If it runs off, it will most likely either come back, get adopted by someone who is foolish enough to get involved, or get caught by animal control and euthanized, or get run over by a car and crawl under something and die. So given the possibilities, the odds are that the problem will solve itself. Don't be a hero. It's just not worth it.

If you have children that want you to get involved then a common strategy is to go out to eat or something of that nature and simply tell them you got involved, and that the problem will likely solve itself.

Lesson 2: Let Nature Take It's Course

Often it is expected that one provide food, shelter and other amenities to one's pets. The truth is that statistically over 60% of all pet animals are non-human... and a surprising percentage of those are rocks. Most of these are perfectly content to take care of themselves in the wild. So the odds are that if you let nature take it's course and let your dog run loose for example, it will be no more likely to die than the average wild dog. If it does, then good riddance. Don't be a hero. After all, do you really want a pet that's so helpless it requires your involvement just to survive? I thought not.

Lesson 3: Salt Tablets

Often pets will become sick and the most common misconception is that this means they should be taken to a professional veterinary(animal) doctor. Don't be a hero, people. Anyone who's gone to public school Gym classes knows that this kind of intervention get's way more involved than is necessary. A few salt tablets should do the trick. If someone forces you to go to a veterinarian be sure to take a polished shield and not to look him in the eyes or you may turn to stone.

Lesson 4: Dealing with Overpopulation

Many pets, such as rabbits and certain types of fish such as guppies are quite prolific. In a matter of weeks or months you could find yourself with wading in rabbits. A common approach is to get involved by selling some, or even eating them in some cases. For those of us that don't want to be a hero we can just wait for the population to exhaust the food supply. Then they will die off and vultures, bugs etc. will clean up the remains for you in their free time, for free. Problem solved.

Until next time, don't be a hero!

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Not Getting Involved: Volume 5

Volume 5: Self-Involvement

Today on the www.dont-be-a-hero.com blog we get personal. Sometimes people feel the need to get involved in their own lives to do things like "taking good care of themselves". Today we'll inspect ways to avoid being involved in your own personal welfare.

Lesson 1: Outsourcing...

If you find yourself needing food for example, don't get involved; get someone else to. Lucky for you, not everyone is as adept at not getting involved. With little more than a few button presses and a a few words you can often have foods delivered to you, most commonly from Chinese and Pizza restaurants. Sure you could go get it yourself, but you don't want to be a hero.

Lesson 2: Indifference...

If you find yourself acquiring diabetes and your doctor tells you there are multiple dietary changes you can make and supplements etc. you can take to help your body heal itself, you find that to be a bit too involved. Instead, carry on with your normal routine, and accept the now inevitable insulin coma and or death. Better that than getting involved in one's own personal health.

Lesson 3: Self Control...

If you find that most of your food has been genetically compromised, as the majority of all food (In the USA) without the "Non-GMO" certification is, you might be tempted to get involved in auditing and changing your dietary habits. You might want to even get your kids real peanut butter. Your friends might suggest you buy things like filling, nutritious, NON-GMO, soy-free, delicious protein bars in bulk so you can actually afford them. But this can get quite involved, requiring that you read labels and throw stuff out and go buy Non-GMO certified real food etc.  Don't be a hero. Just swallow whatever has a flashier package. Never mind people or professors telling you about things like "lateral gene transfer".

Lesson 4: Relax...

Sometimes you may find yourself in the company of a healthier smarter individual that encourages you to exercise and take care of yourself. Clearly they want to be a hero. Don't be a hero. Relax and tell them to chill out and eat some genetically compromised corn and soy products. Enjoy watching your gut get fatter as your muscles atrophy to the point you need a scooter to get around.

Lesson 5: Dependence...

Every once in a while you may feel the desire to become independent and grow your own food, produce your own electricity, etc. Again people, please don't be a hero. If you try that you'll have to you know, do stuff. Let farmers and electricians get involved with that stuff.

Lesson 6: Ignore Stuff

When's the last time you heard about a CDC whistle-blower confessing to fraud; doctoring data to cover up the fact the MMR vaccine does in fact increase the incidence of Autism? Never? Ok well, if you ever hear it in the news, ignore that. Otherwise you might be tempted to get involved in holding the responsible parties accountable for giving millions of children a debilitating illness.

Until next time, don't be a hero folks!

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Not Getting Involved: Volume 4

There comes a time in everyone's life when friends and family get involved, and what's worse is they try to get YOU involved. This is a horrible idea of course but we'll examine three basic guidelines to avoid it... in this edition of the www.dont-be-a-hero.com series on not getting involved.

#1 First things first. Don't be a hero. Don't volunteer to get involved and don't hesitate to refuse. This sounds obvious, but sometimes a friend or family member may ask you to get involved and you must immediately and sternly say "No." and none of that "Well let me think about it" or anything like that. That gives them time to say "Oh, thanks for getting involved!". Before you know it you're shoved in and out of a helicopter into the ocean only to swim to shore and hike through a Guatemalan jungle armed only with a leather strap(Your belt) and fighting ninjas with telekinetic powers riding killer gorillas with laser-eyes just to save you're nephew or something.

#2 This guideline can apply to many situations but a common situation is a family member or friend needs transportation, sometimes to a dentist, maybe to school etc.

The first thing to do is again refer to #1 then if the fact they are in need of transport is stated in this manner: "Johnny is going to need a ride home from school" you must reply with an affirmative message.
Such as:

Yes, he certainly is.
I believe you.
I concur.
You should probably do something about that.
Poor bastard.
What a shame.
Sucks to be him.
Hahahahahahahaha. Ahhh. Yep.
Apparently so.

...You get the idea. The best way to avoid getting involved is to end the conversation and walk away as quickly as possible after such a statement. If you remembered to bring tear gas, use it at that time. Mace or pepper spray may be used in a pinch.

#3. If on the other hand they shamelessly ask you to give "Johnny" a ride from school then you must tell them something like your brakes are bad and the emergency brake doesn't work and the shifter sticks. If they say that's awesome, or offer you their car or something like that then just spit in their face. That usually does the trick. About 10% of the time they will get turned on by it, and/or want to get into a knife fight. Sometimes more than 10% if it's family. So I always carry a really big pocket knife in each pocket because as we all know, it's worth it to avoid getting involved. If they're turned on just tell them they're not your type before the knife fight if possible.


Thanks for reading and until next time, try not to get involved.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Not Getting Involved: Volume 3

Thanks for coming to www.dont-be-a-hero.com's blog once again. We appreciate those of you who understand the importance of not getting involved...ever.

Here at the www.dont-be-a-hero.com blog we'd like to give folks some ideas on how to avoid getting involved in one of the most dreaded subjects. That subject is.... Politics

It's important first to practice prevention. As Ben Franklin once said "A stitch, in time saves nine." In the case of politics, avoiding addressing someone's remarks can save you from having to avoid a very long conversation or in some cases a fist fight. So let's learn how to keep from getting involved.

Prevention Plan:

1. If you know someone who is politically active or vocal and they invite you anywhere practice excuses to avoid going anywhere with them.
          Examples:
A) Sorry, I can't make it because my car is in the shop.
B) Sorry, I can't ride with you either because my wife keeps accusing me of cheating on her with people that give me a ride
C) No my wife can't come because she has Ebola and is highly contagious.

2. If you happen to be somewhere and someone invites you to go to any kind of political rally or protest practice making excuses to avoid going there in the first place.
           Examples:
A) Sorry, I need to to watch UFC, Boxing, Football, Soccer, some guys drive in circles really fast for hours at NASCAR, Basketball, Baseball or anything else that serves as a distraction from pressing issues that affect all of our lives and future prosperity.

Alternatively if you find yourself going back in time to ancient Rome you can try this variation:

B) Sorry, I can't do anything about the Senate raping everyone so I must go to the Colosseum to watch a couple of sweaty guys kill each other for no reason whatsoever.

(In Latin: Tati senatus, nihil non possum rapuit quisque vigilare, ut vadam ad Colosseum aestuosi duobus guys omnino nulla ratione se interfecit..)

 3. If you happen to be at an event and someone attempts to bring up politics you can always try to ruin the conversation so that they lose interest in speaking about it to you.
For example:

A)
Question: What do you think of water-boarding?

Response: Sounds fun. I don't go to the beach very often though.

B) 
Question: What do you think of the U.S. government buying billions of bullets, trying to pass laws that infringe on the second amendment, declaring patriots, veterans, and protesters to be low level terrorists, and declaring that they can basically kill anyone they want witha drone strike without trial or evidence?

Response: I think they're just mad that "Zero Dark Thirty" didn't win an Oscar for "Best Picture" this year.


Until next time, keep not getting involved. and be sure to bookmark us because www.dont-be-a-hero.com is down and we're not getting involved.

 

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Not Getting Involved, Volume 2

www.Dont-be-a-hero.com is still offline but we're still not going to bother getting involved. Our blog will do just fine.

Hopefully our last post helped some of you avoid getting involved. Perhaps you were with family for the holidays and your relatives were about to start a fight. Hopefully you remembered your training from our last post.

We at the non-existent www.dont-be-a-hero.com website commend those of you who have incorporated our tips into every day living.

Today we're going to give you some practical exercises that you can do at home and "on the go" that will enable you to better avoid getting involved.

Exercise #1:

Repeat these at least once a day:

"Leave me out of it. You guys are going to have to settle this on your own."
"Sorry, sir that's above my pay grade." 
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave."
"Get away from me, man!"
"I think I hear my mother calling."
"I'm sorry, this call isn't important but I'm going to take this call anyway. I'll get back to you." (It helps if you pretend to take a call you could ignore.)

Exercise #2:

If you drive by a homeless person or non-profit charity worker begging for money be sure your windows are rolled up.

Additionally, if you have power locks in your vehicle be sure to hit the "LOCK" button as they approach the window. Be sure to wait until they are close enough to hear and see the lock engage. Do not make eye contact.

Exercise #3:

Tell a friend that a mutual acquaintance has been talking about them behind their back. Then when they ask you to help settle the dispute, practice your excuses to not get involved.
This will help you perfect you skill at avoiding getting involved. If things get too intense, remember your training.

That is all for today.