Not Getting Involved: Volume 7

Volume 7:
Persistent People With Problems

Welcome back to the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog! Today we're going to teach you how to not be a hero when it comes to persistent people bugging you for assistance! That's right. If you've got a friend that just won't stop asking you to do them a favor, this post is for you.

Ok, so let's say you're sipping some lemonade on a hot summer day just being glad you're not some schmuck that has to work today. Then let's say "Bob" shows up and says "Hey pal, seeing as it's your day off and you have a truck, why don't you help me move?". Being an avid reader of the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog you likely give him a reason like "It's my work truck, Bob. If it gets a scratch on it my boss will fire me.". Unfortunately Bob's been reading the get-someone-to-be-a-hero blog and comes back with something like "No worries, I got a old carpet we can lay over it." He's always got a comeback.

Chances are something like this has happened to you at some point. If they're really persistent, chances are that after about 45-90 minutes of this, most people will give in and help Bob move. If it's happened to someone you know, then you know just how deadly this can be.

The good news is... That does not have to be you!

So let's examine some ways to avoid a persistent favor craver.

As always, remember Rule #1: Don't be a hero. You might be surprised how often remembering this can help you stay the course. Forget it for a second and you're already speeding toward your doom.

Ordinary tricks bounce right off these people so we'll need something a bit beefier.
Here's a few suggestions:

 "On the spot" responses...

#1. If possible, tell him that the last time you helped someone in this way, you had a psychotic episode, and you woke up next to an empty bathtub and an bunch of empty nitric acid containers with no memory of what happened.

#2. Ask them this question: "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and personal savior?"

#3. Headbutt them.(This works especially well for Mother-in-laws and occasionally co-workers.)

#4. Ignore them while you chew bubble gum. Every time they try to persuade you, remember Rule #1, relax, take a deep breath, and blow a big bubble. Repeat as necessary.

Long Term Favor Cravers:

If this person persists for an extended period of time(weeks, months, years etc.) desperate measures may need to be taken. Here's a few suggestions..

#5. Get some other schmuck to help you move... to Canada.

I know what you're thinking.- "Ya' dumb hoser! What if I already live in Canada, eh?"
Not to worry, I thought of you as well, hence, #6...

#6. Move to Australia.

These next few are part of the advanced course, and should only be attempted by certified professionals...

#7. Fake your own death. Among the supplies you'll need are A) 1 Cadaver of approximate dimensions and sex as yourself, B) 1 New identity, and C) Lots of cashiers checks and D) A fiery "accident" waiting to happen.

#8. Fake someone else's death. Maybe if Bob thinks his mom died he'll just pay some movers. Hey, it's worth a shot, right?

#9. Fake someone's resurrection. After all, if Bob thinks his mom came back from the dead, moving is going to be the last thing on his mind.

This next one only works if you have children.

#10. Tell them you're going to get some cigarettes or a lottery ticket at the local convenience store and ask them if they'll watch your kids for a few minutes while you do. If they fall for it, implement suggestion #5, or #6.

#11. If you're a law officer (and sometimes not) you can try to frame "Bob" for a felony charge such as homicide, drug smuggling, or tearing that "do not remove" tag off of your mattress. By the time he gets out he'll have forgotten all about that favor he wanted from you.

If all else fails, you take one last, desperate, very bold and risky action:

#12. Get involved, but not in the way he wants you too. Don't be a hero, be a villain. And perhaps most importantly, have fun with it. Remember, you're not here to help, you're here to make them fear your "help".

In "Bob's" case, when you kick his stuff down the stairs and toss it in the truck, remember to do it with gusto, a smile, and/or while whistling a tune or something. When it looks like he's about to ask you to stop, make sure you have something fragile to drop. Then say you're hungry anyway and that he should buy you lunch. That should make them not ask you for a favor any time soon.

Thanks again for reading the www.don't-be-a-hero.com blog! As always, if you're having trouble avoiding getting involved, be sure to comment below about it and maybe we'll write an article on dealing with situations like yours.

Until next time, Don't be a hero!